Part of the PEACE Operating System

When a conflict starts, build the courageous conversation that ends the conflict and restores peace.

Conflict does not resolve itself. Most people avoid the conversation because of the reaction they might get, or they want to make the other person pay, or because of a past experience, or nobody showed them how to have a productive conversation. This tool shows you how. In about twenty minutes you will name what you feel, get the facts straight, own your part, understand the other person, and walk out with a one-page plan for a courageous conversation that restores peace.

What it does not do. It does not decide who is right. It does not resolve the conflict for you. It does not replace HR or your leader. This tool builds the conversation. You go have the conversation.

This is for unity, connection, and the work we do for the people we serve.

Add the faith layer. A verse and a short prayer at each step. Optional. Your choice only, and nobody else can see whether you turned it on.

Private by default. What you type stays on this device. Nobody at your company can read your entries. You can delete them anytime.

Before we start

Real peace protects people first.

One question. Is anyone unsafe in mind, body, spirit, or business right now? Check anything that is true.

Someone has threatened, hit, or physically intimidated someone. Someone has talked about hurting themselves. Someone is being treated badly because of who they are (race, sex, age, religion, disability, national origin, pregnancy, or anything else protected by law). Someone is being pressured for sexual attention or making sexual comments. Someone is being punished for speaking up or reporting a problem. There is a safety hazard, theft, fraud, or something illegal going on. A person under 18 is involved. None of these. This is a conflict between people that needs a real conversation.

Please check at least one box.

Protect

Thank you for telling the truth about this.

This is bigger than a conversation between two people, and you should not carry it alone. Real peace protects people first, and that means a person needs to hear this, not a tool. Here is who to contact.

You are protected when you report. Retaliation for speaking up is not allowed here.

What is recorded: today's date and the category you checked. Not what you typed. This helps your company show it took the report seriously. Whether to make the report is your decision.

Step one: the facts

What happened? Write what a camera would have recorded.

Not what you think they meant. What was said and done. One or two sentences is enough.

A camera would record	A camera would not record
"He rolled his eyes while I was talking in the meeting."	"He disrespected me."
"She sent the report to the client without my changes."	"She went behind my back."
"He said, 'We don't need babysitting,' in front of the crew."	"He is a bully."
"I asked three times for the numbers and did not get them."	"She does not care about this team."

The camera view Now the second column. What did you decide it meant?

Keep it separate. You will need both.

Please write the camera view first.

Step one: the facts

Who is this with, and how do you work together?

First name or role is fine. This stays private.

Step one: the facts

When did this happen, and what have you tried?

What have you tried? Check all that apply.

Nothing yet. I hinted and hoped they would get the message. I told someone else about it instead of them. I sent a text or email. I said something in the moment and it went badly. I pulled away and got quiet. I had a real conversation and it did not change anything.

If you checked "told someone else," you are not alone. It is the most common one. That choice is also the one that spreads the conflict instead of ending the conflict. Gossip talks about the person. Courage talks to the person.

Step one: the facts

If this went well, what would be different a month from now?

Not what you want them to admit. What you want the work and the relationship to look like.

Did I get that right? If not, go back and fix the facts. If yes, keep going.

Step two: name the feeling

How did this situation make you feel?

Most people avoid the conversation because they cannot name what they feel. Here are the words. Check every one that fits how you felt when this happened with . The words are grouped by the PEACE principle that was missing in that moment, because the feeling points to what you need. Then pick the one that is strongest for you in this situation.

Something else? Which feeling is strongest for you in this situation? How strong is that feeling right now, in this situation? 5 of 10

An eight or higher usually means today's conflict is carrying something older. We will get to that.

Please pick the strongest feeling.

Step three: the cost

What is this conflict costing you and the business?

Check what this conflict is costing you and the business right now. Be honest. Nobody sees this but you.

Add it up in your own words. What is this costing per week?

God's Word

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

Step four: the four filters

Filter 1. Past pain: am I projecting?

Sometimes today's conflict is carrying an older one. This is not about blame. It is about seeing clearly.

Who does this person remind you of?

Have you felt this exact feeling before this person came along?

Yes, many times Yes, once or twice No

When they did what they did, did your reaction fit the size of what happened?

It fit It was bigger I am not sure

God's Word

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)

Step four: the four filters

Filter 2. Personality: how am I wired, and how are they?

God did not make us the same. Most people are two of these four. Pick what fits you best.

Style	Sounds like	Under stress I tend to
Amiable	kind, keeps the peace, hates conflict, slow to say what I need	go quiet, agree out loud and resent inside, avoid the conversation
Analytical	details, facts, needs time to decide, notices what is wrong	come across critical, over-explain, wait too long for all the facts
Driver	direct, fast, task first, wants results	push too hard, skip feelings, sound harsh, interrupt
Expressive	stories, energy, people first, big picture	talk more than listen, skip details, overpromise, take it personally

Which fits you best?

Amiable Analytical Driver Expressive

Now them. Which style fits the other person best?

Two more, optional

When I usually bring things up, they are in task mode (in the middle of something) They are usually in relationship mode (available)

They are a planner. They need the appointment. They are spontaneous. Keep it short.

God's Word

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

James 1:5 (NIV)

Step four: the four filters

Filter 3. Perspective: what might they see that I do not?

Be curious instead of certain. The same event looks different through different eyes. What might they be seeing? Check all that could be true.

They have information I do not have (a bill, a deadline, a pressure from above). They think I am blocking a goal of theirs: to feel protected, to feel accepted, or to succeed. They are carrying something at home I know nothing about. They handle stress or grief differently than I do, and I read it as not caring. I interrupted them while they were in the middle of something. They were never set up to succeed at what I expected of them. I honestly do not know, and I have never asked.

Write one sentence the way they might tell this story to their spouse tonight.

Reflect

You do not have to agree with their side to understand their side. Understanding it is what makes the conversation go differently. Your first question to them will come from this screen.

God's Word

"The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out."

Proverbs 20:5 (NIV)

Step four: the four filters

Filter 4. Pride: do I need to win?

This is the hardest screen. Check anything that is true right now. Nobody sees it but you.

I need to be right about this. I want to win more than I want to fix the relationship. I have been building a case with other people. I have rehearsed this in my head more than once. I have said or thought "you always" or "you never." I think I am better, smarter, or more spiritual than they are. I am waiting for them to go first. I am afraid of finding out I was wrong. I have already decided how this ends.

God's Word

"Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice."

Proverbs 13:10 (NIV)

"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."

Proverbs 11:2 (NIV)

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

James 4:10 (NIV)

Pray with me

Father, I confess my pride. I have wanted to be right more than I have wanted peace. Where there is strife, there is pride, and I have brought strife. Forgive me. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. I humble myself before you, and I trust you to lift me up. In Jesus' faithful name I pray. Amen.

Proverbs 13:10; Psalm 139:23-24; James 4:10

Step five: my part

Before you name what they did, own what you did.

Most breakdowns are not one-sided. Confess your part, not everything that happened. Confession is not weakness, and it is not agreement with the other person's behavior. Taking responsibility for what you did to contribute to the breakdown of the relationship takes courage. Check every line that is true.

Add the specifics, if you want (optional)

One line in your own words, said to them. Example: "When you interrupted my presentation, I decided you were trying to undermine me, and I never asked you what you intended."

A healthy confession does four things

1. Names the specific behavior	2. Owns the judgment or assumption you made
3. Acknowledges the impact on the relationship	4. Apologizes without adding "but you..."

Two checks for honesty. Denial sounds like "It was not that bad" or "But they started it." Exaggeration sounds like "He always does this." If either one is in your story, take it out.

God's Word

"First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Matthew 7:5 (NIV)

Check at least one line or add your own. The plan cannot be finished without your part.

Step six: the PEACE walk

P: Protect

Love always protects. Real peace protects people first, in mind, body, spirit, and business.

Is this conflict wearing you or anyone else down? Check what you see.

Losing sleep Dreading work Going quiet Quietly looking for another job

What do you need to protect in yourself before this conversation?

What do you want to protect in them?

Their dignity in front of others Their job Their trust in me Their name on the team

Is there a boundary you need to say out loud? (optional)

Reflect

You will protect both of you by doing this in private, in person, and by naming the behavior, not the character.

God's Word

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Pray with me

Father God, you are my Protector and Provider. Your love always protects. I bring this conflict to you before I bring it to . Guard my mind from fear and my mouth from harm. Protect their heart and mine. Help me establish the goal to protect, so that we both feel safe. Let your peace, which transcends all understanding, guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. In Jesus' faithful name I pray. Amen.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7; Philippians 4:7

Step six: the PEACE walk

E: Encourage

Every person is made in God's image and carries real value. Encouragement says it out loud.

Name two things this person has done right that you can say honestly. Not flattery. Things you saw.

Pick up to three sentences you could say to their face. These go into the conversation word for word.

Add your own, if you want (optional): I appreciate that you...

When did you last tell them?

This week This month I cannot remember Never

What might they be carrying right now that you have not asked about? (optional)

Reflect

You will open with one of these. People can hear hard things from someone who sees them.

God's Word

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

Pray with me

Lord, I praise you that you see the way you see me, with love. Forgive me for keeping a record of what they do wrong. Help me see what you see. Let no unwholesome talk come out of my mouth, but only what builds them up according to their needs. Let me do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility value them, not looking to my own interests but to theirs also. Put true words of encouragement in my mouth. Help me have courage and confidence in Christ to have a productive conversation to bring reconciliation, collaboration, and unity. In Jesus' powerful name I pray. Amen.

Ephesians 4:29; Philippians 2:3-4

Please write at least one honest thing you appreciate.

Step six: the PEACE walk

A: Accept

Acceptance is not agreement. It is telling the truth about what is real, including your part, and accepting the other person as a work in progress.

What are you afraid will happen if you bring this up?

They will get angry They will get quiet and it will get worse It will cost me the relationship It will cost me my job They will think less of me Nothing will change

Can you accept them as a work in progress, the way God accepts you?

Yes I want to Not yet

Reflect

You are not accepting the behavior. You are accepting the person. That is what makes it possible to say the hard thing without an attack.

God's Word

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)

Pray with me

Wise Father, I praise you for your wisdom that you give generously when I ask. Help me understand the pain, perspective, and personality of so that I respond the right way. Forgive me for my pride that produces disgrace. Make me humble to gain wisdom. Help me accept as a work in progress, because you are not finished with them or with me. Remind me that my struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Let me be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that you desire. In Jesus' mighty name I pray. Amen.

James 1:5; Proverbs 11:2; Philippians 1:6; Ephesians 6:12; James 1:19-20

Step six: the PEACE walk

C: Contribute

Contribution is each person doing their part so the whole team wins. It is where the business gets its win back.

What does the business need from the two of you that it is not getting right now?

What effect did their behavior have that they may not see?

This becomes your "When you..., then..." line. Name the effect on the person, the team, the customer, or the business, not what you believe it says about their character. Choose the effect that most closely fits, or write something specific.

Effect on another person

The person stopped speaking or contributing. The person became quieter in later meetings. The person stopped bringing concerns directly to you. The person began double-checking decisions with someone else. The person had to redo work. The person could not complete their work on time. The person was left without the information needed to move forward.

Or something specific: When you..., then ...

What will you do differently beginning this week, whether or not they change?

Choose one action that is specific and within your control. This becomes your "Beginning this week, I will..." line.

Or something specific: Beginning this week, I will ...

What is one thing you will ask them to own?

Choose one specific, observable behavior, not their attitude, personality, or motives. The Builder writes the request: "I am asking you to own that when you..., it resulted in... Going forward, I am asking you to..."

Or something specific. The behavior, in the past tense: when you ... Going forward, I am asking you to ... (fill in if you wrote your own behavior, or to change the suggested request)

How do you already contribute to this relationship that they may have forgotten?

I cover for them I give them the information they need I take the harder shifts I speak well of them to others I train and coach I give them room to do it their way

Reflect

Notice your ask is one thing, not a list. One clear ask gets a yes. A list gets a fight.

God's Word

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love."

Galatians 5:13 (NIV)

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

Colossians 3:23-24 (NIV)

Pray with me

Lord, this work is yours. Whatever I do, let me work at it with all my heart, as working for you and not for human masters, because it is you, Lord Christ, I am serving. Help me do my part and let go of controlling theirs. Show me how to serve humbly in love, without expecting anything in return. Make our work together something that honors you, protects our team, and blesses the people we serve. In Jesus' faithful name I pray. Amen.

Colossians 3:23-24; Galatians 5:13

Pick or write what you will do, and your one ask.

Step six: the PEACE walk

E: Express

Expression is the courageous conversation, said with truth and kindness. Here it is, built from your own answers, written to , not about . Read each line as if is sitting across from you. Change anything so it sounds like you, and keep it as "you," not "he" or "she."

Rebuild these four lines from my answers

Affirm that you are for them Confess your part first Tell the truth: the behavior, the effect, and a question Say what you want, with a solution

When and where

Pick a day in the next 72 hours. Private, face to face if you can. Not text. Not email. Not in front of others.

Day

Time

Where

Please pick a day within the next 72 hours.

Read it out loud once

If it sounds like you, you are ready. If they push back: nod, hold your tongue, do not defend. Say, "I want to hear you. Can you please be gentle with me?" Then listen for the feeling under their words. You already know the list.

God's Word

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."

Ephesians 4:15 (NIV)

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."

Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV)

"All you need to say is simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one."

Matthew 5:37 (NIV)

Pray with me

Faithful Father, before I bring my gift to your altar, I want to be reconciled to . Help me stop putting off what I know I should do, because knowing the good I ought to do and not doing it is sin. Help me put off falsehood and speak the truth in love, so that we grow up and mature in Christ. Go before me and prepare their heart. Give me the words to communicate love, grace, and healing. Let my yes be yes and my no be no. Give me courage, not to win, but to be honest and kind at the same time. Let what happens bring real peace. In Jesus' powerful name I pray. Amen.

Matthew 5:23-24; James 4:17; Ephesians 4:15, 25; Matthew 5:37

Your Courageous Conversation Plan

Your plan

This conversation is for unity, connection, and the work we do for the people we serve.

You do not go alone.

Add to my calendar

Saved plans stay on this device only. The check-in will appear here three days after your conversation date.

Check-in

Did you have the conversation?

Saved

Your plan is saved on this device.

Now go have the conversation. Compromise says wait until it is perfect. Courage says have the honest version. Real peace requires courage.

God's Word

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

Romans 12:18 (NIV)

Saved plans

When a conflict starts, build the courageous conversation that ends the conflict and restores peace.

Real peace protects people first.

Thank you for telling the truth about this.

What happened? Write what a camera would have recorded.

Who is this with, and how do you work together?

When did this happen, and what have you tried?

What have you tried? Check all that apply.

If this went well, what would be different a month from now?

How did this situation make you feel?

What is this conflict costing you and the business?

Filter 1. Past pain: am I projecting?

Who does this person remind you of?

Have you felt this exact feeling before this person came along?

When they did what they did, did your reaction fit the size of what happened?

Filter 2. Personality: how am I wired, and how are they?

Which fits you best?

Now them. Which style fits the other person best?

Two more, optional

Filter 3. Perspective: what might they see that I do not?

Filter 4. Pride: do I need to win?

Before you name what they did, own what you did.

A healthy confession does four things

P: Protect

Is this conflict wearing you or anyone else down? Check what you see.

What do you need to protect in yourself before this conversation?

What do you want to protect in them?

E: Encourage

Name two things this person has done right that you can say honestly. Not flattery. Things you saw.

When did you last tell them?

A: Accept

What are you afraid will happen if you bring this up?

Can you accept them as a work in progress, the way God accepts you?

C: Contribute

What does the business need from the two of you that it is not getting right now?

What effect did their behavior have that they may not see?

Effect on another person

Effect on the team

Effect on the business or customer

What will you do differently beginning this week, whether or not they change?

What is one thing you will ask them to own?

How do you already contribute to this relationship that they may have forgotten?

E: Express

When and where

Your plan

Did you have the conversation?

Your plan is saved on this device.

Your plans

It sounds like this might be more than a conflict.

Who is the designated human?